"So, who're you?"
    "I, you pathetic fool, am Count Bastard!"
    "Oh. I'm Postal Employee Man."
    Pause. "Postal... Employee... Man?"
    "Well, yeah."
    "Mu-ha-hah! Did you really think that the city would bow before Postal Employee Man?"
    "Hey, I can get pretty angry! You better watch it!"
    Rap-rap. "Hey guys, your lawyer's here," the guard announced.
    "Our lawyer? I need no—"
    "Shut up, shut up," Postal Employee Man hissed.
    "Very well, bring them in," Count Bastard ordered grandly.
    "Them?"
    "Him. Whatever."
    A clean-cut gentleman with forgettable features entered and set down his briefcase. "Hi, guys."
    "Hey, you're that—" The light dawned on Postal Employee Man.
    "Sh," he cautioned. "Yes, I know. Recruiter," the "lawyer" whispered. "I just wanted to point out that neither one of you actually kicked in the extra money for the legal defense, which at this point I wanted to say might have been an error, so we wanted to give you the opportunity to reconsider your contract."
    "Why would I reconsider!?"
    The man didn't miss a beat. "Because, Count, you're in jail."
    "Oh. That would be a good reason," he admitted.
    "So, just so you understand, Liquorice Stick and Double Bass, being our regular employees, part of the henchmen plan—"
    "You had the money for henchmen?" Postal Employee Man was clearly envious.
    "Of course I could afford henchmen! Me and my Jazz Trio!"
    "He only mentioned two of them, did one of them get away?"
    "Shut up, shut up!"
    "I have a couple of ideas that I just wanted to run past you guys," the visitor went on smoothly. "First off, kick in the percentage right now for the legal defense—and it's going to be a higher percentage, I have to warn you about that—because the odds of your making money right now without the legal defense are a bit slim, all right? Plus we would like the rights to license certain aspects of your technology, which would cut down on the amount we have to take as a percentage. And we'll throw in as a bonus, at no extra cost to you, some time with our public relations and costumes department." He was looking at PEM. "Because the big white costume with the triangle down the front...."
    "It's a closed envelope!"
    "Yes, we know, and we think that's stunning. Just let me run this one past you: The Philatelist." He turned his palms up in an inviting gesture.
    "Do you really think that'll work, though? I mean, what about the flatulence jokes?" he asked dubiously
    "You're not gonna go anywhere, no offense, as Postal Employee Man," the recruiter pointed out. "Just some time, something to think about. 'Cause guys, guys—we love you! It's quality," he stressed. "So are you interested in the legal representation?"
    "Show me the contract," Count Bastard intoned. He read it, paused. "What? Never! Never!"
    "All right, we can cut out the clause about access to your technology."
    "My magnificent trumpet...."
    "Which is currently in a police holding cell," the recruiter pointed out.
    "That's what they think!"
    "No, really, it's there, I looked at it."
    "Damn!"
    "But, we'll just have to kick it back up to 40% of all of your proceeds, not counting the charge for some of the other aspects, in your case the hiring of the henchmen." He glanced at the Count, then at the possibly-Philatelist. "Have you ever considered henchmen yourself, Mr. ...Man? Perhaps stamps of the world?"
    "Hm. They'd have to respect me if I had henchmen.... I'm perfectly willing to sign on," he decided.
    "Here you go, just sign." He passed over a contract.
    "Throw me out for postal fraud, will they..." he muttered, scribbling his name furiously.
    "And we have the modified contract for you...." Count Bastard signed as well. "Officer?" the recruiter called, standing up. "Gentlemen, I guarantee you'll make bail by the end of the day. Pleasure doing business with you."
    "Yes, soon I'll show them all!" Count Bastard muttered.
    "Actually, we're going to recommend that you move into our relocation program for a little while," the recruiter suggested.
    "And hide!?"
    "Merely so that you can take them by surprise, and catch them unawares."
    "Yes! Yes!"
    They were so predictable.

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